Life Day
by Eogrus
Summary: In which everyone takes a relief and just joins together with friends and family...OR DO THEY?


It was the Life Day, the holy day for the celebration of all the galaxy, and Rey was very happy. All her friends and family gathered on Dromund Kaas (it wa the place everyone teleported into in the original Holidays Special), thanks to the holy life of the promises of yore. As a Jedi, she mastered the light side of the force, so she used her cryptal ball to shine her way in.

There, everyone was waiting: Luke, Finn, Han Solo (it was a Life Day miracle), BB-8, Lando Calrissian, R2-D2, C-3PO, Chewbacca, Ezra Bridger, Kannan, Hera, Zeb, Sabine, Chopper, Ackbar, Lumpawaroo, Attichitcuk, Malla, Thane Kyrell, Maz Kanata, Commander Sato, Snap Wexley, Jessika Pava, Dex Tiree, Dutch Flander, Ahsoka Tahno, Bren Derlin, Nakari Kelen, Kidi Aleri, Eneb Ray, Hazram Namir, Moff Mors, Revan, Theron Shan, Lana Beniko

"Glad you made it!" said Lukas happily. He was dressing a red robe like everyone else.

"Yeah, you're like family to us" said Chewbacca in his strange alien words like the sound of fallen leaves on a forsaken grave.

"Thank you!" said Reyna happily, and she went off to sit ith the others at the table.

There was a great feast, a turkey and a goose and a pile of rabbits had been cooked with mustard and lemonade which was very delicious in a roasted sense, and legumes with a side of flan pudding. Everyone shared wonderous tales of their lives that year, laughing heartily like the open flame of one's deepest desires in thet marvel (geddit) Life Day night.

"It is so good to have everyone together" said Rey happily.

Cgewbacca's father then put on the Santa beer and walked to the chair.

"Oh, my childrem, come take a seat in St. Nick's crotch" he said merrily and full of joy in his old man boner.

"Thanks, grandpa, but your intentions are very badly shaped" said Hanna Solo.

They all alughed heartily. But then the door bursted, and an evil man with a red cross came in...KYLO REN!

"THY INCONSEQUENTIAL FOOLS!" crowed Kyle Wren angrily, "THOUST THOUGHT YOUR FOOLISH HOLIDAYS SECRETS WOULD PROTECT THEE, BUT THE DARKNESS IS STRONGER, IT IS FAST AND FURIOUS AS THE CANDOR OF THE VOID, AND NOW YOU WILL ALL die!"

And then Kayla Rekked walked next to Sans Holo and stabbed him in the heart!

"NOOOOOO!" cried Anna Sol, who died, again.

"Hahahaha you assholes got fucked GOOD" said Jabba the Hutt, who was a forced ghost.

"How could this happen!?" said Reyna sadly, crying tears of blood.

To make matters more the bad, the roof crashed, and out of it came the First World superweapon. Ria couldn't fucking belieb it, Finned gasped, Lucas shocked. It was...PRINCESS LEIA FLOATING NAKED WITH A LASER IN HER VAGINA!

"Why?" cried Locus sadly, black tears of blood running down his pallid polished make-up face as his sister gave in to bad.

"I tried, I tried be a decent woman and tell Disney to remove my sinful past and help me protect all the little children from the perversions of lust, but those fucking neckbeards men ruined it all with their hateful desires and virginity forever, especially that fucker TheAmazingAtheist shit who posts sexist shit while ignoring context I fucking hate him I hope he dies with SHIT on his FACE" cried Carrie Fisher bloody tears of depression.

"AND NOW THOU WILL ALL DIE!" crooked Kaila evilly.

Rei felt very sad and mad, all the emotions stirred inside, all the hatred in so righteous a fury against Kill's and his neckbeards anti-sjws. The Dark Side tried to dominate in her moment of vulnerability, but the holy light of her intent shined, a brightness so pure in the darkness of the universe so vast, the smallest ember of human dignity and worth against a careless reality. In her thoughts, Rana could hear the voices of holy the essence of the light.

"Do not fear, my child" said in holy purity the spirits of the stars, the sun gods unheard by the Jedi, a tragic untapped potential when writing the lightside of the force, "You are good and the Sith are bad, that is all you need to know, that is all you need to win."

"But I am so foolish and week" cried Rye sadly in broken bloody tears, thinking of all her faults and failures.

"No, my child, you are true and good, and you have the light inside, and the holy life. That is the message of Life Day."

"Of course!" Rina understood, and rejoice, letting the love flow, letting the love be released in a fiery blaze, the fiery blaze of light, the light of the life, the life of LIFE DAY!

"NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Keanu Reaves screamed sadly, but it was too latte, he was gone.

"NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO TOO!" cried Jarvis the Hat, but he dead as well.

The both of them went to HELL, and burned for ten thousand years, where they were raped forever in all orifices by karmic luciferian spheres of light alongside those fuckers who reblog anti-sjw Tumblr posts, amen and amen.

Rhianna sighed. It was too much.

"It's okay, Rhea" Finille comforted her, "We will honour the memories."

And so everyone hugged, and Rrhamphorhynchus smiled, she knew she was loved, she knew everything would be alright.

And so, boys and girls, the lesson is: no matter how bad things get, the life of our comrades will inspire you to greatness, so forever be that.

Amen and amen.  



End file.
